God, I Don’t Trust You

Some time ago, I was talking to someone about my frustration with God. There were things I was anxious about like work, my health post COVID, and apartment hunting. I was also dealing with seasonal depression ( I needed my therapist to help me narrow that on down). That anxiousness, the insecurity, bred aggrivation. So I told this person, or admitted to them, what I had been feeling for a few weeks. I said, “…and I was talking to God and I told him I don’t trust you”. The words left my mouth and it felt good to be honest about it. To expose that weakness.

Some people would be quick to shame someone for feeling that way, but I had confided in the right person. I was met with compassion, understanding, and encouragement. That only made me want to talk to God about this lack of trust more.

I layed awake that night thinking about God’s faithfulness. How He really had never left me. Never abandoned me. I’d always had what I needed. He made his presense known when I was alone in my room recovering from COVID. After all that, doubt still crept in. There were still things that didn’t work out for me that were frustrating me. In some areas, I still felt stuck. I didn’t want to be fickle. I didn’t want to seem ungrateful, but my feelings were real. They were real, and I needed God’s help dealing with them. So I took that to God. I told Him, “God, I know you’re here for me. But honestly, I don’t trust you right now. My feelings are hurt. I want to trust you though. I know I can. So please, help me in this. Meet me here, in this”.

Over the next several weeks, I focused on God more. I spoke to Him more throughout the day and He has responded. I’ve been shown areas where I have been distracted and strayed from original instruction. I had some wonderful habits that filled me with joy and peace that I’d stepped away from. My focus had been off. God spoke to me about the things that didnt work out and how they wouldn’t have been good for me. As more time passed, I’ve come to realized that I don’t even want those things. I would’ve settled for them. God wants bigger and better for me. He wants me to up my standards and trust that He wants far greater for me than even I can imagine.

So I trust God. I’m learning what it means to literally cling to His word because the enemy tries to creep in with the lies. God welcomed me as I brought my distrust to Him and He is loving me in that place. I even hear scriptures in my head that affirm me daily. How great is He?! He got me.

Have any of you ever experienced this? Let me know 🙂 Let’s chat.

Pink is for Princess

I’ve been working my way through this book, “Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of the Woman’s Soul” by John and Stasi Eldredge. One thing it has made very clear to me is that the enemy has a special hate towards women. Women are a reflection of God’s glory. We have the captivating, alluring beauty of God. We are beautiful, life-giving wonders to explore and the enemy hates that. So, he seeks to destroy women through his many schemes.  He uses situations to make us feel alone, neglected, and abandoned. He attacks our womanhood, our beauty, and our femininity.

This truth has exposed a lot of the lies I believed about myself. Days would pass and something new would click that brings me back to that lesson in the book. There was one recent moment that caught me by surprise. So much so that it brought me to tears. 

I was laying down, journaling, when I realized I was writing with a pink pen. Now, I have never really liked pink. If anything, I’ve gone out of my way to not have anything pink. It’s girly. When I think of pink, I imagine overly excited women who are obsessed with Disney and sneeze glitter. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a dreary angry person living in a blackened world. Pink has just always bothered me. 

So there I was writing with my pink pen and I liked it. I smiled because at the time, I was writing about God. How I was happy to be getting to know Him as my Daddy, my Papa, after years of not having that intimacy with him. I felt young. I felt innocent. I felt soft. I felt like a little girl. A little girl who liked pink and all things girly, sitting talking to her Papa. And then I cried, because in that moment, I realized I didn’t really dislike pink. I resented everything pink represented. 

To me, pink represented a happy very feminine woman. A woman, who was seen by her dad when she was a child. A dad who cared for her, wanted her, loved her, and told her how beautiful she was (I didn’t have that). This image came to mind of a little girl twirling in a dress, she felt pretty. It was for the girls who were seen. Pink was for the girls/women who were able to dream. Who fantasized of “happily ever after”. As my sister would say, “Pink is Princess”.

Then it hit me. “I’ve never felt like anyone’s princess. Let alone God’s”. I cried. I grieved for my younger self and adult self. Then I cried even harder because as God showed me an area where I was hurt, he also comforted me. He reassured me. He said “You are my girl. I love you Princess.” 

I bawled. I smiled. I cried.

I am God’s Princess. 

I never would’ve imagined healing would have to me experiencing colors differently.

Model: Chloe as Princess Aurora | CreativeSoul Photography

Beyond COVID-19

While I was working a couple of weeks ago, I came down with a headache and fever. The day before that I had a slight cough, minor sore throat, and discomfort in my chest. I’ve been at home recovering ever since. I’ve had several symptoms of COVID-19 come and go, but the most important thing is that I still have my life. So, I am grateful that God has been with me through all of this. 

All I keep saying God is still God. The Blood of Jesus still saves and heals. 

These days in my room have given me time to really turn myself back toward God. I’ve been doing my own thing lately and know that all this was God getting my attention. He chastens His children out of love right? (Hebrews 12:6-11). This is how He is dealing with me. I get it.

Please, use this time to get closer to God. Get to know Him, restore your relationship with Him, strengthen the relationship you have with Him. There is more going on with this COVID-19 pandemic. All I keep thinking about are the plagues and the book of Isaiah. God uses times like this to shake us up, warn us, and call us to Him. These things must happen.

To those of you who have suffered a loss due to COVID-19, my condolences to you. I pray for the recovery and comfort of us all. 

The Crown of Creation


I’m currently on a flight to Florida, reading John and Stasi Eldredge. What perfect timing it is to be on the page that I am currently on, being instructed to look out of a window. Why? So that I can get a good look of the vastness of this world that God created.

So I look out of the window and take in the beauty. The land below, the clouds, the water, and the shape of the Earth. Marvelous. I can only imagine how beautiful it must’ve looked at creation in its untouched state.

God performed wonders and miracles when He separated the heavens and formed the Earth. He brought forth light, the sky, the stars, land, plants, and the animals. He created man, Adam, and breathed life into him. He gave Adam a purpose and was in a relationship with him. After all of THAT; all the greatness He created and deemed good, something was still missing. Something so critical to the completion of creation that for the first time, God said something actually was not good. That missing piece wasn’t a thing but a someone. Woman. She was Eve. Creation was not complete until God created Woman. Adam was alone, even with God being present until God created Woman.

WOMAN. As John and Stasi put it “She fills a place in the world nothing and no one else can fill”.

How beautifully intentional is our God?! As daughters of Eve, those words hold true for us as well. We fill a place in the world that nothing and no one else can fill. We are the finishing touch of God’s masterpiece. The “crown of his creation”. That says a lot about our worth.

So I am passing the instruction on to you:

Look outside of a window, or anywhere with a view. Look at the vastness of the world God created and say to yourself ‘The world is incomplete without me. Creation reached its zenith in me”

And a message from me to you, “You are loved and needed in this world”.