Some time ago, I was talking to someone about my frustration with God. There were things I was anxious about like work, my health post COVID, and apartment hunting. I was also dealing with seasonal depression ( I needed my therapist to help me narrow that on down). That anxiousness, the insecurity, bred aggrivation. So I told this person, or admitted to them, what I had been feeling for a few weeks. I said, “…and I was talking to God and I told him I don’t trust you”. The words left my mouth and it felt good to be honest about it. To expose that weakness.
Some people would be quick to shame someone for feeling that way, but I had confided in the right person. I was met with compassion, understanding, and encouragement. That only made me want to talk to God about this lack of trust more.
I layed awake that night thinking about God’s faithfulness. How He really had never left me. Never abandoned me. I’d always had what I needed. He made his presense known when I was alone in my room recovering from COVID. After all that, doubt still crept in. There were still things that didn’t work out for me that were frustrating me. In some areas, I still felt stuck. I didn’t want to be fickle. I didn’t want to seem ungrateful, but my feelings were real. They were real, and I needed God’s help dealing with them. So I took that to God. I told Him, “God, I know you’re here for me. But honestly, I don’t trust you right now. My feelings are hurt. I want to trust you though. I know I can. So please, help me in this. Meet me here, in this”.
Over the next several weeks, I focused on God more. I spoke to Him more throughout the day and He has responded. I’ve been shown areas where I have been distracted and strayed from original instruction. I had some wonderful habits that filled me with joy and peace that I’d stepped away from. My focus had been off. God spoke to me about the things that didnt work out and how they wouldn’t have been good for me. As more time passed, I’ve come to realized that I don’t even want those things. I would’ve settled for them. God wants bigger and better for me. He wants me to up my standards and trust that He wants far greater for me than even I can imagine.
So I trust God. I’m learning what it means to literally cling to His word because the enemy tries to creep in with the lies. God welcomed me as I brought my distrust to Him and He is loving me in that place. I even hear scriptures in my head that affirm me daily. How great is He?! He got me.
Have any of you ever experienced this? Let me know 🙂 Let’s chat.